I realized where I went wrong in supporting my friend and how I could have done it better

I recently attended a safe space conversation on Instagram live which focused on what not to communicate with someone going through a tough time. The conversation took me back to the time when I tried to support a friend. Their problem appeared similar to what I had gone through years ago. So I thought it would help if I shared my experiences with them. I even tried to give them solutions to their problem by sharing what worked for me.

Even though I knew that I didn’t have a magic wand that could make their problem disappear in the blink of an eye, I felt that all my efforts were in vain. I felt I could do more to support them but I didn’t know what.

The Instagram live session helped me reflect where I went wrong and how I could have supported my friend better. Here’s what I learned:

1. My friend required a different approach. It wasn’t necessary that what worked for me would have worked for them too.

2. I should not have generalized their experience by telling them each one of us goes through something like this at some point in our life.

3. By sharing my experience, I unknowingly ended up making it my story, instead of theirs. It might have probably made them feel that I denied their narrative.

4. It was okay to share my experience but I should have analysed when they were in the space to listen to me. I should have had been more careful about how much I was sharing and how I was sharing it.

5. They did not want me to fix their problem. When I think about it now, I see that they wanted to work on their problem on their own. They had the potential to do so. And while they were working out on how to solve it on their own, all they wanted from me was the space to share what they were going through.

6. I should not have asked them to stop cribbing about their problem. I should have listened to them without interrupting them.

7. I should have listened to them with more empathy. There is a difference between sympathy and empathy. While sympathy helps us understand someone’s feelings by feeling sorrowful about their experience, empathy helps us understand other people’s feelings by stepping into their shoes without any judgements.

When someone from the audience asked a question about them feeling overwhelmed when their friend shared their problems, I recalled one more incident of me trying to support another friend.

With this friend, they not being able to overcome their problem started to affect me. My mental space to act as a listener had reached saturation level. There came a time when I started to believe that I burned myself like a candle while trying to lighten up their world. This feeling of emotional exhaustion, I later got to know, is called compassion fatigue.

The session asked all listener friends to take care of their own heart and if required, seek professional support.

I realized my mental health was as important as that of my friend’s. It was important to take care of my own needs too. It took me a lot of time to realize that I was not the candle. I was (and I am) the sunshine.

It was okay if I could not support that friend the way I wanted to. And it is okay for you too to not be able to support your friend and/or family either.

Watch the safe space conversation here:

Know how I am trying to destigmatise conversations around mental health.

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